It's been 2 months since my sweet Lariann left us. I get asked alot,"How are you doing?" and,"How's Lucy doing." I don't mind being asked, it's nice to know that people care and are concerned about Lucy and myself. So let me sum it up for you.
I feel like I am just in this survival mode. I just try to get through each day. Some days it's a struggle to get up and face the day. But Lucy needs me to be strong so she will know that everything is okay.
I try to stay busy to keep my mind off of things, which isn't hard. I even picked up a third job, I went back to Lagoon to work first aid again. It's easier if I have something else to think about something to distract me and work seems to a pretty good job of that.
I've rearranged alot of furniture and boxed up alot of stuff. I hope by doing this that I will stop being reminded of her so much.
Being a single parent is hard. I have almost zero free time anymore. When I'm not at work or asleep it seems like there is always something that needs to be done, house work or yard work or Lucy just needs some attention. Luckily I have great family and friends who are always there to help me out. I don't know what I would do with out them. I don't know if I can begin to add up all the hours my Dad has spent working in my yard, I worry that he is neglecting his own house and yard just to help me.
Lucy spends days with different relatives. My Aunts Jean and Louise each have a day they take her. She goes down to my Uncle Carl and Aunt Jennifer's once a week, sometimes their son Daniel comes over and spends the night if I have an early shift at the fire station or am on call there. My parents and my in-laws take her alot as well, they also come over and spend the night while I am working as dose my sister Alison and my brother Greg and his wife Stacey when they come down from Logan.
Lucy has good days and bad days. She can get very moody and it's hard to tell if it's just because she's two years old or if it's because she lost her Mommy, doesn't understand where she's gone or why she can't come back. She asks about Mommy less and less everyday, actually she hardly brings her up anymore which is good because it always hurt when she would ask for her and didn't have an answer for her that she would understand, but at the same time it's sad because I'm afraid she's starting to forget her Mommy.
My life almost feels like a bad dream that I keep waiting to wake up from but I know that I'm not going to. I almost expect to see her laying on the couch watching TV when I come home or I even reach over to put my arm around her when I'm laying in bed.
I guess the best answer to the question, "How are you doing?" is, "I am okay." I could defiantly be alot better but things could be whole lot worse if I didn't have such wonder full friends and family.
"You're Not Broken." TRUE.
5 months ago